Carly Guerra, MS2
Texas Tech University Health Sciences Center School of Medicine
I can’t do this. I can do this. Oh, I absolutely cannot do this.
Do other people stress as much as I do? Do other people make it longer than two days without wanting to cry?
I will never, ever understand the kidneys. Should I just drop out and become a nomad? Should I drop out and work at a coffee shop? Should I quit med school to become [insert occupation of the protagonist of whatever movie I most recently watched here]? I’m probably going to fail my next test. I know I said that last time, and didn’t, but this time I mean it. I know I said that last time too. I should get a part-time job, so my loans aren’t so bad later. I simply cannot understand why my brain simply cannot understand the brain.
Will residencies care that I’m not pretty? Will residencies look down on me for being fat? Will patients in the future not want to take my advice because of it? Have I done a good job advocating for my classmates, or do they think I’m useless? Medical school is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it. Does that make me a bad student? Sometimes, I wake up in the morning and I simply don’t care about anything. Maybe I will fail my test on Friday. Maybe I don’t even care if I do. Does that make me a bad student? Do I deserve to be in med school if I don’t care if I fail? People are depending on me to have it together. Does it serve them better to see my brave face or to know I’m struggling too?
I don’t think I have it in me to do anything today. If I finish one 15-minute board resources video and nothing else today, I’m just gonna have to call that a win. What if I walk into day one of my [chosen specialty] rotation next year and hate it?
I literally went all day today and didn’t feel happy once except when my dog wagged his tail just because I looked at him. I have 26 things to do on my to-do list and instead of doing any of them, I’m going to just kind of sit on my bed and let the anxiety fog take over. Do I talk too much, or too loud? Do I take over too many conversations? I’m coming to the end of an episode of my Netflix show, I better hit pause and close it before it autoplays the next one in a few seconds and—oh no, I missed it, I guess I’m committed to another whole episode now.
My grades aren’t great, but I’m good with people, so that’s good, right?
Despite everything, I have a lot to be grateful for. Am I a bad person on the days when I don’t remember to be grateful? What if, one day, I go to my therapist and have a breakthrough and realize I don’t even want to be here, I’m just doing this to spite my ex or act out against my parents or something? When will I feel confident in what I know and what I’m doing? Okay, somehow I remembered something from last year for a test question this year. I think I might be a genius of my time. Can I do this?
I can’t believe my time in med school is almost halfway over. Do I even visualize myself as a doctor anymore, or am I so buried in the weeds of didactic that I lost that vision long ago? Will I be able to find my way back? I got into med school for a reason. Someone at my school saw something in me. Maybe I can’t see it right now, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t true then and that probably means it’s still true now. I’ve been pushing my friends away lately, haven’t I? I need to reach out. No matter how much I’m struggling, I’m here because I deserve to be. I will work my way out of this rut and I will finish strong. I can absolutely do this.
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I wrote this because it might help someone who reads it feel like they are not alone. When stress is getting me down, 50% is from the actual problem and 50% is from feeling like I am the only one struggling. If this piece lightens the burden on even one person, I would consider it a success.
I have not felt or thought all of these in one day, gracias a Dios, but I have felt or thought each one at least once in my first two years of med school, many of them more than once. It is normal and valid to have any of these thoughts—as long as we do not let them overpower us. Best of luck to anyone who reads this. I am rooting for you and I love you.